Power struggle         

Syndicated column from The Parent Institute

[DEC. 28, 2005]  Q: My daughter just won't do what I tell her. If I say it's time to study, she turns on the TV. If I tell her to take out the trash, she says, "Later." I have tried everything -- nagging, sending her to her room, taking away privileges. Nothing seems to work. What can I do?

A: Some children are very strong-willed. They are willing to put up with nagging, punishment -- even your anger -- just to stay in control. Parents usually respond to these children in one of two ways: They get locked in a power struggle. Or, they go along with almost anything just to maintain some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, as you have already discovered, neither of these approaches works very well.

Remember that you are the adult -- and you are in charge! Follow these steps to establish firm and consistent consequences for inappropriate behavior and eliminate the need for power struggles:

• Focus on the positive. Point out those times during the day when your daughter is doing what she should. Don't make a big fuss, but do let her know that you noticed. "Thank you for playing your music quietly so I could work on getting the bills paid."

• Focus on one behavior that really irritates you. Start with something small. For example: Perhaps your daughter doesn't hang up her clothes. She leaves them all over her bedroom floor.

• Explain your expectations. Tell your daughter that you expect her to hang up her clothes from now on. Calmly, explain what the consequence will be if she doesn't. "It may take you a while to remember (or to learn) to hang up your clothes. We may have to practice. That will mean you can't go outside with your friends." Enforce the consequence every time.

Of course, your daughter will test you. Remember to stay calm and stick to your guns. Ask her to come with you into her room. Have her practice hanging up her clothes. Do it again. Then do it again. Every single time your daughter doesn't hang up her clothes, follow through.

With a combination of positive attention and consistent consequences, you can establish the limits of acceptable behavior -- and respect -- in your household.

[The Parent Institute]

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Copyright 2005, The Parent Institute

"Ask the Learning Advisor -- Ideas for Raising Successful Children" is a free, syndicated column from the Parent Institute.