Punishment vs. consequences  

Syndicated column from The Parent Institute

[JAN. 6, 2006]  Q: I have heard that using "consequences" is a better way to discipline than using punishment. I'd like to try this with my 5-year-old son, but I need help. What exactly are consequences? And how are they different from punishment?

A: The quickest way to get children to correct unwanted behavior is to punish them. But it's not the best way. Punishment often instills fear. It doesn't help children develop their own internal sense of right and wrong. Nor does it instill responsibility. Responsibility develops when children face the consequences of their behavior.

At first, punishment and consequences do seem similar. But there are important differences. For example:

Punishment:

• Often happens in anger. "You broke my vase! Go to your room!"
• Often comes with nagging or a lecture. "How many times have I told you… ?"
• Does not always relate to what happened. How does going to the bedroom relate to breaking a vase?
• Has little effect except to make the child confused, angry, upset and probably bitter.

Consequences:

• Include empathy for the child. "Oh, you broke the vase. I'll bet you feel bad about it. What do you think you should do now?"
• Focus only on this misbehavior. The child does not pay again for past mistakes.
• Relate directly to the misbehavior. "How can we clean this up?" "We can't eat out today. We need to save the money to replace the vase."
• Result in the child learning an important lesson: If I break something, I need to clean it up and replace it. Replacing things costs money that could be used for doing something fun.

The main purpose of using a consequence is to teach, not to punish. Knowing when and how to impose a consequence can be the key to success. Here are some tips:

• Choose an appropriate consequence. If possible, it should be related to the misbehavior. Some consequences happen naturally, such as missing a fun activity after dawdling too long.
• Give one warning. For example: "I asked you to put away the toy. Please do it now, or I will put it away for the day."
• Follow through. Don't give your child chance after chance to comply. Show that you are serious.
• Explain why you are imposing a consequence as you do it. Give significantly more positive than negative feedback. Compliment your son for doing well!

Make consequences the cornerstone of your discipline, and you and your son will both benefit.

[The Parent Institute]

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Copyright 2005, The Parent Institute

"Ask the Learning Advisor -- Ideas for Raising Successful Children" is a free, syndicated column from the Parent Institute.