2018 Home for the Holiday
"The surprise and awe of the holidays"

Christmas Curmudgeon - don't like surprises, even during the holidays
By Derek Hurley

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[December 01, 2018]  That dreaded time of year is upon us again; Christmas time. The time of year when the weather is cold, the sun goes out at five 0’clock, and the stores skip over Thanksgiving in a mad rush to paint the shelves red and green.

Those of you who are constant readers of my annual thoughts on Christmas know just how much I dislike the holiday season. But there is one thing about Christmas that I don’t find quite as exasperating - it’s scheduled.

I know exactly what days the stores will be closed. I know what time to be at my family’s home to open more gifts I will later struggle to find room for. I know what days I will leave to travel out of town and when I will (finally) be home again. I know which presents I have asked for, and are likely to receive. I know just how much food to eat, and how much will sit uneaten in my refrigerator (and eventually end up in the trash- I’ve always been bad at leftovers).

But every year, as I mentally prepare myself and meticulously sort through my schedule, something goes horribly wrong. There’s always a surprise.

Ironically, it should not surprise anyone to learn I dislike surprises. Dislike may not be the best word, but I cannot think of any other words to attribute to the feeling that erupts in my chest as someone inevitably reveals a surprise over Christmas packaging. Throwing off my schedule like this only serves to heighten my anxiety. At least give a guy some warning. Tell me at Thanksgiving that you’ll have a surprise at Christmas; that should do it.

Surprises at Christmas can take a few different shapes, and each one brings with it a special flavor of heartburn.



A change in menu

For some families, Christmas is a rehash of Thanksgiving when it comes to food. I don’t see the point to such a strategy; didn’t we just eat turkey and ham? Why are we doing this again so soon? Is this a secret stash of leftovers I didn’t know about?

As the years have gone on, not every family has continued this trend, thank goodness. Luckily for me, my family came to the same realization and made Christmas food relatively simpler each year. We have a rotation of sorts throughout the years between a number of homemade soups and stews, and a variety of sandwiches and assorted finger foods. While there may be a slight difference each year, at least I can choose from a small list and usually be mostly correct.

But there are some people out there who decide they want to surprise their families and friends at dinner time on Christmas or Christmas Eve. I could see this being a good thing, if the surprise was something akin to, “I’m tired of being in the kitchen, let’s just get chicken or Chinese food.” That would be alright; then I don’t have to fret over choices (at least not in the same way.) A holiday menu is an entirely different problem.

No, sometimes the host or a guest decides to show up with a tray of cheese cones or a Brussel sprout mold (these are actual holiday recipes - the 70s were a strange time for food). I know what they’re thinking. “I found an old recipe to try - I think I’ll make everyone else live with my decisions this year.” No thanks - I’ll just eat the summer sausage out of the holiday food assortment I get every year. It reminds me of a better season, anyway.

Unexpected presents

When I was younger, I came up with a list every year and gave that list to my family. This list was a list of things I wanted for Christmas. I knew I wouldn’t get everything, but it gave me an idea of what I might see. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would also get a pile of pants and socks (something I actively seek out now).
 


There is always a gift, somewhere, from some indirect source, that I didn’t expect to get, solely because it didn’t register on my mind as something to ask for. Getting a present I forgot about is something special. That means someone was paying attention to those random thoughts I spout out every day. That’s almost a gift on its own.

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But sometimes I get something that is so far out of the realm of imagination that even my anxiety at the situation vanishes in a puff of confusion. Do I look like the kind of person who needs an egg cuber? Do I pray in vain that someone, somewhere has invented a way to turn my eggs into squares? Is it the greatest mystery to the universe? This is also a real thing that exists. I’ve never gotten one, but I could see it happening now that I’ve mentioned it. Thanks ahead of time, Aunt Wilma. I’ll keep it next to the electric orange peeler.

Meeting people

In my experience, I’ve met someone new almost every other year at Christmas. It’s usually a new significant other of a cousin, or a new cousin altogether. Sometimes, I meet more than one new person at a time, which is truly a battle for the ages as the rational part of my brain fights my anxiety.

For the most part, I still receive some piece of forewarning about who will be at Christmas dinner. But sometimes, an unexpected guest shows up, which only serves to turn me off from my dessert. Whenever this happens, I try to find out who invited them, even if I can’t call out the inviter out loud. I want to ask them - what have I done to draw your ire this year? I saw Uncle Joe two years ago; isn’t that enough for one decade?

Some years I won’t meet any new people, which only fills me with a different sense of dread. I start to do the math in my head, and that’s usually when someone says the two words that are already trying to burst from my brain like Athena from Zeus.

“We’re pregnant!” Even just writing that gives me anxiety. Another twig on the family tree? Already? The other ones have barely bloomed. I can barely remember my own name, let alone another one. Please, at least do me (and the newborn) a favor; give them a name with an easy spelling.

At least there’s still time before I have to really try to find a present that fits their needs. Maybe they’ll want to cube their eggs. Maybe they’ll be happy to receive the strange little kitchen device that takes a round(ish) thing and turns it into a square. They’ll probably look at it with wide eyes and make some half-crazed joyful sound, and then give me a loud “Thanks!” Maybe I’ll even get a hug in return, and everyone will go “Aww!”



I guess that doesn’t sound so bad after all. After the anxiety of the unexpected passes, the genuine joy of a good surprise does help me sleep a little better after the holidays. After the never-ending run of holidays from October through the end of the year, I think we all should just hibernate for a while. And even for a curmudgeon, there’s a good feeling that lingers when all is said and done, even as I stare at the leftover cheese cones in the fridge.

But enough surprises for now. I have to start mentally preparing my calendar for next year.
 

Read all the articles in our new
2018 Home for the Holiday magazine

Title
CLICK ON TITLES TO GO TO PAGES
Page
The magic, surprise and awe of the holidays 4
The awe when that perfectly done turkey appears 6
Showing and instilling the awe of holiday magic in children 13
How to give delightful gifts 19
The best places to shop for your friends and loved ones 22
The beauty and grace of helping someone 30

The awesome value of spreading “good cheer”

34

Christmas Curmudgeon - don't like surprises, even during the holidays

39

 

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