 I am assuming that those outfits portray the current trends, but
most of them do not answer the one question I use to determine
whether I should wear one of them: "How do I keep the "girls" from
falling out of that?" A simple misstep while bending over to pick up
a 2-liter of soda that fell off my grocery cart could be a disaster!
Therefore, I must assume that the women who wear the current trends
never pick up anything or they are not as heavily endowed in the
north as I am. Too much freedom for my northerly assets is likely to
result in them straying from the fold, so to speak.
I learned that lesson years ago when I allowed them to wander and
they decided to go out on the town without me. It wouldn't have
bothered me so much, but they had a curfew of 1 a.m. and they never
called to tell me they'd be late. I worried about them all night.
OK, then ... getting back to the point: I wouldn't know fashion
if it slapped me in the face with her perfectly manicured hand.
My 10-year-old daughter probably has more fashion sense than I
do. Unfortunately, I don't really know if she does or not. When she
appears before me every morning wearing her latest clothing
concoction, I don't know whether to applaud her unorthodox style or
send her back to her room to try again. In my mind, if it's
uncomfortable, it's probably fashionable, so that's how I judge.
"Isn't that uncomfortable, honey?"
"No ... it's not."
"Well then, you'd better go change."
[to top of second column]
 |
 It's not so much of a problem with the boys in my family. After
all, they wear mostly jeans and a T-shirt with some smart-aleck
comment on it. Although, I have come to the realization that the
amount of jean material touching the floor and the subsequent lack
of jean material covering their behind is, in fact, a fashion issue.
They pull the jeans down, we pull them up. Down. Up. Down. Up. It's
like constantly adjusting a set of mini-blinds.
Other than that, fashion for boys is not as difficult a terrain
to traverse as girls' fashion. Thank goodness for that, because
three of my boys are colorblind. There are times, however, when they
use this handicap as a convenient excuse for a fashion faux pas.
Years ago, one of them wore a plaid bathing suit with a striped
T-shirt. This look has probably been in fashion at some point in
history -- in fact it may be "in" now and I wouldn't know it -- but
at the time, it hurt my eyes. So I told him that stripes don't go
with plaid. He retorted indignantly, "Well, how was I supposed to
know that -- I'm colorblind!" Apparently, he was also temporarily
pattern-blind.
Of course, I know there are fashion rules that concern the
popularity of a certain name displayed on an article of clothing and
the sticker price of a pair of sneakers. However, these are rules
that I blatantly ignore -- on purpose, which is why the fashion
police have a warrant out for my arrest. They want to give me a
frontal lobotomy, dress me in Vera Wang and install me in a Macy's
display window. That should answer your questions as to whether
those creepy store mannequins are real -- or not.
[By LAURA SNYDER]
You can reach the writer at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
Or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more columns and info about her books.
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