 Things like the hot
buttons and motivating factors for your spouse. In our many years
together, I've learned that his biggest hot button is anyone taking
a picture of him while he's in the bathroom. For some reason, when
we were newly married, my brain wasn't as well-developed and I
didn't see that as being an issue. But... well... you live and
learn.His second-biggest hot button -- and this is something I
have absolutely no control over -- is bad drivers. A calm, pleasant
conversation in the car can be immediately terminated by a driver
whose brake lights flashed for no apparent reason. My husband will
then rant and rave for an hour, casting aspersions upon the hapless
driver's character, gender, sexual orientation and parent's marital
status. Then he wonders why I am in a bad mood the rest of the day.
"I wasn't yelling at you, Laura."
"Well, there was no one else in the car with you, was there?"
I have also come to learn that there are only two motivating
factors in a man's life: food and sex -- and not necessarily in that
order.
For some reason, a man believes that there is no moral code that
requires him to go anywhere he considers boring. This refers to any
event that is not sports-related or where no speeding -- and
ideally, crashing -- cars are involved. If it is a second-grade play
or a sixth-grade music recital, his wife will have to represent.
However, if even the smallest amount of food will be served --
lemonade and cookies, even -- he will be there. The more food, the
better the odds that he will attend.
"Honey, there's an awards ceremony at the elementary school
today. Can you come?"
"I'm not sure I can get away today."
"They are serving cookies, I think."
"I'll do my best." Which, in male-speak means "if I have nothing
better to do."
I have started to carry Twinkies and Little Debbies in my purse,
just in case he arrives and there are no cookies.
[to top of second column]
 |
 Sex is the ultimate motivator, though. I never use this power for
evil, but I must admit: A woman who is angry, rarely can be
persuaded to please the object of her anger. Men eventually catch on
to this truth.
My husband caught on only a few years ago. He never received a
psychology degree either, but I know that he has finally picked up
on this because he has recently developed a habit of sniffing. I've
come to realize that a sniff means he wants to say something that he
knows will tick me off, but he doesn't know how long I'll be ticked
off, so he buys time to calculate by sucking large amounts of air
into his nose. Unfortunately, I have begun answering his sniffs with
suspicion.
"I need to buy a new food processor. This one is old and my
julienne blade got run over by a skateboard."
... Sniff ...
"What?"
"Nothing." ... Sniff ...
"You don't think I need one, do you? You think a knife would work
just as well, don't you? You think my cooking can't get any worse
anyway, don't you?"
"I didn't say anything!"
"You didn't have to!"
Silence...
"Are you mad?"
"Yes, I'm mad!"
"D---!"
[By LAURA SNYDER]
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist,
author and speaker. You can reach her at
lsnyder@lauraonlife.com
or visit www.lauraonlife.com
for more info. |
