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Writers
and staff
Lincoln Daily News.com
601 Keokuk St.
Lincoln, IL 62656
TEL: (217) 732-7443
FAX: (217) 732-9630
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the writers.
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ldneditor@lincolndailynews.com
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writer: Gina
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gsldn@lincolndailynews.com
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mkldn@lincolndailynews.com
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Youngquist
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Writers [click
here]
[to
top of second column]
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An
important letter for parents facing challenging children
4-4-02
Dear
Editor:
Recently,
there was an editorial published (the editorial referred to was
not published in Lincoln Daily News) that made a reference
to "tough love" that was incorrect, though a very common
misconception about the TOUGHLOVE® program.
My
name is Rebecca Boughan, and I am the TOUGHLOVE®
coordinator and am speaking only for our local TOUGHLOVE®
Parent Support Group of Logan County. I would like to provide
a more accurate explanation about TOUGHLOVE® as
well as some of the background of how our local Parent Support
Group has come into existence.
I
am a parent with teenagers, who are/were demonstrating destructive
behavior. One of my sons recently died. When I think back to
assess how my kids started this behavior, I can remember my
husband and I having conversations about adolescent difficulties,
boys will be boys, stupid kid stuff, it’s just a phase, and so
on. Somehow, over time, those minor difficulties escalated into
major difficulties. Situations gradually increased, causing us to
be frightened, feel inadequate, shame, guilt and FRUSTRATION. Yet,
the problems continued regardless of any corrective actions we
took. But the problems are not just in our
family. The problems are also in our culture — a culture that
supports and maintains destructive behavior. Ironically, society
provides our kids with a false sense of power and independence,
which is fostered through drug and alcohol abuse. Troubled/problem
kids have lost respect for authority.
You
often hear: "You know what is wrong with kids today
— their parents. " But parents are people too. We
may have kids, but we are also people. People with problems.
People with limited resources and who may or may not be able to
afford the "perks" of today’s lifestyle, such as
designer clothes, stereos, video games, whatever it is that our
kids want this week. That’s a reality. People who may not have
the emotional energy all the time; that’s a reality too.
Society
today fosters the idea that kids are our equals: NOT. Our
culture has come to believe that privacy is a right that kids
should have; but, we tend to forget that, because of our kids’
behavior, the family’s privacy is invaded. The privacy argument
then becomes an issue of equality. If your kid is NOT your
equal, then you have the right/responsibility to go into their
room, check on their academics, monitor their activities and who
they are associating with, verify their reported destination, or
speak with their friend and/or other parents at any
time to make sure that your home’s standards are kept.
Society
has also become enmeshed in blame. Whoever or whatever is to blame
for a young person’s behavior doesn’t matter.
The problem is: No one takes responsibility. Blame
keeps us all helpless. TOUGHLOVE® is about
dealing with the problems — not blame. If blame is
important, it can be dealt with later.
When
kids are acting out, parents’ frustration level is HIGH.
Parents are too frustrated to function clearly, and it affects
everyone. But, especially parents who feel responsible for the
behavior of their kids but, seemingly, have no control. Rest
assured that we, as parents, have as much control to influence our
kids as our kids have over us.
The
TOUGHLOVE® program does NOT advocate
throwing kids out of the home. TOUGHLOVE® asks
parents to take action. Take a Stand. Make a Statement, "I
will no longer tolerate…." By taking a stand,
parents acknowledge the problem.
Next,
TOUGHLOVE® asks parents to take a small step
toward their stand. Demand that their kids be responsible for
their own behavior.
TOUGHLOVE®
groups help parents take a stand by supporting the small steps
— the bottom lines. These small steps, in
turn, put your kids in crisis. Your kids now
have to determine how they are going to change their behavior,
because your behavior has changed. The button pushing
doesn’t work anymore.
In
order to accomplish these changes, we, as parents, need and rely
on community support. Support from our law enforcement, schools,
churches, other family members and our TOUGHLOVE®
group. It is important that we be involved with other people
during these changes. No one in the community can accomplish
change alone — not the schools, not the police and not the
parents. Yet, we all care about the kids. Perhaps, together, we
can make a difference.
Please
remember that the essence of family is cooperation. Cooperation is
essential. If your kids love you too, that’s great, but the kid
that brings a parent to TOUGHLOVE® doesn’t love
them right now. That kid must know that they must cooperate, be
helpful, be a member of the family. Through this process, our kids
will learn to live in an adult world. The most
important lesson that we, as parents, must
teach our children.
Our
TOUGHLOVE® Parent Support Group of Logan
County meets every Thursday evening at 7 p.m. in the meeting room
at the Knights of Columbus Hall in Lincoln, Ill. Every parent is
welcome to attend and learn more about our program. We will be
glad to see you, but we will be sorry you have to come. I also
invite any parent to contact me if they have questions or just
need someone to listen: 732-9693.
Sincerely,
Rebecca
G. Boughan
Coordinator,
TOUGHLOVE® Parent Support Group of Logan
County
.
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Please send your letters by e-mail to ldneditor@lincolndailynews.com
or by U.S. postal mail to:
Letters to the Editor
Lincoln Daily News
601 Keokuk St.
Lincoln, IL 62656
Letters must include the writer's name,
telephone number, mailing address and/or e-mail address (we will not publish
address or phone number information).
Lincoln Daily News reserves the right to edit letters to reduce their size or to correct obvious errors.
Lincoln Daily News reserves the right to reject any letter for any
reason. Lincoln Daily News will publish as many acceptable letters as space allows.
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