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Those simple words --
speak them, don't speak them

By Mike Fak

[JUNE 13, 2003]  You know the call is going to come. You put it out of your mind as many times as it pops into your head, but you always know it will happen one day. Always when the thought crops into your head, you ask God, not today. Not next week. Not next year. The call is as inexorable as life itself. It comes in its own time, not ours.

My call came at 6:45 a.m. Sunday, May 25. My sister Patricia made the call to tell me Mary Catherine Treacy Fak, our mother, my mother, had died.

Mary Catherine had not been feeling well for a long time. She was getting around enough to complain about feeling poorly, and since at age 54 I have such days myself, I didn't give it the import that it seems I should have. I should have called one last time. I should have taken the time from a totally mundane and thus unimportant life to go visit her just one more time. But I thought the call wouldn't come today, not next week, not next year.

She had been in the hospital. A guinea pig for a battery of tests that showed perhaps she had a mild stroke somewhere along the line. Nothing too serious. Not good was the prognosis, not bad either was the determination. Seventy-six years old carries its own medical baggage. Nothing to get too worried about. Not today, or next week, or next year.

She had just come home from the hospital the other day and was getting ready for a grandmother's bonanza of family pride. Granddaughters and grandsons were about to graduate from grammar school as well as high school, and she was determined to be there in person for all of them.

She had birthed five children, Michael, Mary Ellen, Ann, Patricia and John, but her 10 grandchildren were what was truly important in her life. None of the five children ever minded that of course. Somewhere along the line she had become Grandma, not Ma, and her five children accepted the change as the natural progression of life.

In the past few years, my calls or my mother's calls to me had always ended in "I love you." I don't know why it started, but somehow that ending phrase became more important than the conversation did. Such a simple thing to say, so hard for some of us to get out of our mouths.

Mom, always one to just talk on and on, had developed a true love for Sharon and Tim. Often I would see Sharon just hold the receiver in the air and ask me if I wanted to talk with Mom. Too many times, I waved her off, mouthing silently that I wasn't home right now. I always thought I had tomorrow, next week, next year. I will now live with those failed chances for as long as I go on.

I told Patricia I would make the call to Mary Ellen. I remember sitting there looking at the phone. I rationalized that I should wait until I was sure that I would not awake her and Mark with such sad news. I knew all along she was an early riser, but as long as I didn't make the call, one of us believed Mom was still alive. One of us didn't have to plan for a funeral for their mother. Finally I called. I was quiet and Mary Ellen was as well. The "what happened," "when," "what are the plans" kept us from becoming emotional. Quickly she said she would see me the next day, and I hung up without a thought to really talking to my oldest sister about what we felt. Perhaps tomorrow, next week, next year, I rationalized.

My sister Ann, who had to make the call in 1983 that my father had died, called around 9 a.m. She started out fine and then she lost it. I found out right then that I had a very short fuse regarding Mom's death. I was fine just as long as you were. You lose it, and so will I. As I hung up I regretted not telling her I loved her and how much I appreciated all that she and Mike and Michelle had done for Mom over the years.

I talked to my sister-in-law, Audra, that afternoon, and as she handed the phone to my brother, John, she blurted out that she loved me. I replied in kind immediately. It's so easy to tell someone you care. It gets ignored so readily. We always think we can wait until tomorrow, or next week, or next year.

John was solid and stoic, but I could tell that if one of us lost it, we both would. His conversation told me that he regretted being 10 minutes late to the hospital. A 2 a.m. drive, trying to see your mother before she dies, probably set off a series of demons in John's head. I will talk to him about those thoughts. I need to find the symbiosis between his thoughts and mine. He was just a few miles away from talking to Mom one last time. I was just the pickup of a phone away. Neither of us made it. As the conversation ended, I blurted out that I loved him. He snapped back the same and I wondered what terrible stigma there is to telling someone you care or that you appreciate them. What makes it so hard to say affectionate words to someone you care about that you decide to wait until tomorrow, or next week, or next year?

 

[to top of second column in this article]

I find myself walking around the house today talking to Mom. That makes sense, doesn't it? I could have talked to her every day for hours if I cared to, but I waited until she was dead, and now I feel the need to tell her everything. I feel like an idiot, but I know, although she is listening, she isn't judging me. That just wasn't her style.

I have always been angry at my father's death. Just 63, he never lived to enjoy the fruits of retirement. He never had the opportunity of seeing eight of his grandchildren become and then grow before his eyes. I'm also angry that I really don't know the day he died. The date his body died is Dec. 16, 1983, but his life force was gone long before that. How long was the body, curled in a fetal position, with no cognizance of life, just a body? How long before that last day did my father actually die? I will never accept Dec. 16 as the day my father died.

With Mom, I feel more sadness. The suddenness, the unexpectedness, the "if you had a brain, you could have figured it out" of it, will always be in my thoughts. I fear that I feel more sorry for myself than I do for my mother. Today, you see, I don't have any parents anymore; in a way I am an orphan, and the thought makes it very hard to see the keyboard right now.

Sharon asked me to feed the digital camera pictures into the computer today. She had taken a picture of Tim's award wall, with all the ribbons and plaques and trophies he had won in speech these past two years. It was apparent that it was important to her to have a print of that picture today. When I asked her why, she said she wanted to place it in the casket with Ma so she could show it to my dad and her dad, who also was cheated out of so many good years.

I told her that was a lovely thought and enhanced the photo to get a really good picture for Mom to show off. When Sharon went back downstairs, I went into the bedroom and blubbered like a baby. All three of them, my dad and mom, Sharon's dad, should still be here. At least for one more day, one more week, one more year.

I will be going up to Chicago tomorrow. A couple of really long days are ahead for a lot of the people I care about. I have made a promise to Ma that I won't be afraid to tell everyone how I feel about them.

I find myself dreading the thought of having to discuss Mom's estate in the next few weeks. A house to sell, as well as 40 years' worth of grandma stuff filling the rooms and walls needs to be removed. Not really an estate, I suppose. But it was her stuff, and it should be dispersed according to who thought something had special meaning to them. I really don't want anything. I want my mother back instead. For just another day, another week, another year.

Ma loved St. Bartholomew, and I'm sure there will be a lot of priests and nuns visiting her at the wake. I'm sure that out of affection they will lead us in prayers for Ma many times these next two days. They will be doing it out of respect for Ma and how active she was in the parish. Rain, snow, sleet, hail, you name it, a little old chubby lady who couldn't walk worth a damn was in that same side pew almost every Sunday.

I will keep quiet, but I wish I could tell them we don't need to pray for Mary Catherine; instead we need to pray to her for ourselves. That little old lady doesn't need any help from us to get into heaven. Mary Catherine wasn't a saint, but she was damn close, and I will miss her today, next week, next year, forever.

Ma, tell Dad "Happy Father's Day" for me. I'm not sure if my messages have been getting through.

[Mike Fak]

EL RANCHERITO
Authentic Mexican Restaurant

Carryouts
Call ahead!

831 Woodlawn
735-5721
click here for menu and coupon!

Our staff offers more than 25 years of experience in the automotive industry.

Greyhound Lube

At the corner of Woodlawn and
Business 55

No Appointments Necessary

Flowers and Things

515 Woodlawn Road
Lincoln, IL

(217) 732-7507

"Your Professional Florist"

Web resource aids home gardeners

[JUNE 10, 2003]  URBANA -- The next time the lettuce leaves in your backyard garden turn yellow or tiny, multi-legged creatures frolic on your tomato vines, help may be only a mouse click away, thanks to a new feature on University of Illinois Extension's Urban Programs Resource Network. "Common Problems for Vegetable Crops" is the addition.

"It focuses on problems that home gardeners typically encounter with 21 common vegetable crops," explained Jane Scherer, U of I Extension urban programs specialist. "You can search the information in one of two ways: first, by the vegetable, and second, by the disease or pest.

"Many of the pages include pictures of the disease or pest so you can compare what is in your garden with what is on the screen."

The feature was designed by Maurice Ogutu and Jim Schuster, both U of I Extension horticulture educators based at the Countryside Extension Center in Cook County.

The site's address is http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/vegproblems.

[University of Illinois news release]

Conference set for grandparents raising grandchildren

[JUNE 7, 2003]  SPRINGFIELD -- Grandparents and other relatives raising children are invited to attend a conference titled "Relatives Raising the Next Generation" from 9:30 a.m. to 3:45 p.m., Saturday, June 21, at the University of Illinois Extension Center at the Illinois State Fairgrounds in Springfield.

"The most recent federal census reported over 213,000 Illinois children under the age of 18 are living in grand parent-headed homes," said Charles D. Johnson, director of the Illinois Department on Aging.

"The department is working diligently to address their needs and provide them with comprehensive information and support services."

The conference will feature speakers addressing legal, disability and financial issues as well as tips on managing stress. Child care and age-appropriate activities will be provided for children between ages 3 and 10.

Advance registration is required. Cost is $5 per family. For registration forms, call Debbie Deopere at 1 (217) 787-9234.

The conference is sponsored by the Illinois Department on Aging, Project LIFE Area Agency on Aging and the University of Illinois Extension.

[News release]

Flowers and Things

515 Woodlawn Road
Lincoln, IL

(217) 732-7507

"Your Professional Florist"

Lincoln Community Theatre
presents
"NUNCRACKERS"
June 13-21

2 p.m. on Sundays &
 8 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday

Phone 217-735-2614
P.O. Box 374, Lincoln, IL  62656
http://www.geocities.com/
lincolncommunitytheatre

Our staff offers more than 25 years of experience in the automotive industry.

Greyhound Lube

At the corner of Woodlawn and
Business 55

No Appointments Necessary

Animals for Adoption

Animal Control open Saturdays 

[APRIL 18, 2003]  Beginning April 28, Logan County Animal Control is experimenting for 60 days with Saturday hours. The new hours are 8:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. on weekdays and 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturdays. Only registration, payment of fines and animal pickup can be accomplished on Saturday. Adoptions must take place during the week.


At Logan County Animal Control — 
DOGS
Big to little, most of these dogs will make wonderful lifelong companions when you take them home and provide solid, steady training, grooming and general care. Get educated about what you choose. If you give them the time and care they need, you will be rewarded with much more than you gave them. They are entertaining, fun, comforting, and will lift you up for days on end.

Be prepared to take the necessary time when you bring home a puppy, kitten, dog, cat or any other pet, and you will be blessed.

[Logan County Animal Control is thankful for pet supplies donated by individuals and Wal-Mart.]  

 


[Hi!  I'm Mike!  I'm a 2- to 3-year-old male looking for a family.  My favorite activities include watching my breath and licking your face.]


[This is Jeff.  Jeff is a 1- to 2-year-old mixed breed looking for a good home.]


[Just look at those faces!  These 9-week cuties love to roll and tumble and play.
But don't let their small size fool you.  They are boxer-collie mixes, so they'll get quite a bit bigger!]

 

Ten reasons to adopt a shelter dog

 1.  I'll bring out your playful side!

 2.  I'll lend an ear to your troubles.

 3.   I'll keep you fit and trim.

 4.   We'll look out for each other.

 5.   We'll sniff out fun together!

 6.   I'll keep you right on schedule.

 7.   I'll love you with all my heart.

 8.   We'll have a tail-waggin' good time!

 9.   We'll snuggle on a quiet evening.

10.   We'll be best friends always.


CATS
[Logan County Animal Control is thankful for pet supplies donated by individuals and Wal-Mart.]  

 

In the cat section there are a number of wonderful cats to choose from
in a variety of colors and sizes.

Farm cats available for free!


[This big boy is Sam.
Sam's a little pushy, so no small kids, please.]

[This fine looking girl is Snake.  She's just a kitten, and she's ready to slither her way into your heart.]

[Snowball and Sunshine, a beautiful girl-boy pair, can't wait to bring joy and warmth into your home.]

These animals and more are available to good homes from the Logan County Animal Control at 1515 N. Kickapoo, phone 735-3232.

http://www.petfinder.org/pet.cgi?action=1&pet.Shelterid=IL103

Fees for animal adoption: dogs, $60/male, $65/female; cats, $35/male, $44/female. The fees include neutering and spaying.

Logan County Animal Control's hours of operation:

Sunday    closed

Monday  –  8 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Tuesday  –  8 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Wednesday    8 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Thursday  –  8 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Friday  –  8 a.m. - 3 p.m.

Saturday  –  closed

NOTE: Beginning April 28, hours will be 8:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. on weekdays
and 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturdays.

Vickie Loafman, animal control warden

Maurice Tierney, deputy animal control warden

Tammy Langley, part-time assistant

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