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'Ask the Learning Advisor'
Teenager doesn't communicate
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[APRIL 29, 2005]
Q:
What do you do about a child who won't
communicate? Our teenage daughter is in middle school. She's a
wonderful child, but we're finding it more and more challenging to
just talk to her. She seems to have selective hearing when it comes
to anything we have to say. Sometimes we can't even get three words
out of her. Do you have any suggestions?
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A: There does come a time in
nearly every child's life when Mom and Dad just don't know very
much. That's when even your simplest advice will bring a quick
dismissal. She'll storm off with, "You never listen to me!" or "You
just don't understand" -- or total silence. As you've discovered,
it's hard to communicate with a child who has decided to tune you
out.
Here are
some things you can do:
-
Create
opportunities to talk with your daughter. The best times to talk
are when there aren't many distractions. If you sense that she
might have something to say, try to get her to help you with a
task that will let the two of you be alone.
-
Really
listen to her when she does talk to you. Concentrate and listen
carefully to what she says. Don't offer a lot of advice until
she's finished talking. Teens don't usually want advice anyway.
They just want to be heard. By interrupting to give advice, you're
letting her know you don't think she can handle the situation.
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Restate
what you've heard as you listen -- and before you talk. If your
daughter says, "I have a really hard math test tomorrow," say, "It
sounds like you might be worried about doing well."
- Ask for your daughter's opinions.
Teens have opinions on just about everything, and they love to
have these ideas heard by an interested adult.
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column in this article]
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Avoid
being judgmental. Show respect for your daughter's ideas and
points of view. That doesn't mean you'll always agree, and it
certainly doesn't mean you should give in when you think she's
wrong. But on some issues, you may change your mind when you hear
her reasons.
-
Let her
know you've made mistakes too. It's hard for any of us to admit
we're wrong. If you acknowledge some slip-ups of your own, you'll
make it a little easier for her to talk about hers.
- Relax if you can. When possible,
let things ride.
Sometimes, teens do want to talk.
But at other times they don't. Parents need to respect this. Say
something like, "I respect that you want to think about this on your
own. If you want to talk about it later, I'll still be here." Then
be available. And listen.
* * *
For more information about helping
children learn or to submit your own question to The Learning
Advisor, go to
http://advisor.parent-institute.com. All questions will receive
a prompt answer by e-mail.
© Copyright 2005, The Parent
Institute.
"Ask the Learning Advisor -- Ideas for Raising Successful
Children" is a free, syndicated column available through
The Parent
Institute.
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Life Sentence, No Parole
If we tried to invent the
cruelest punishment for dogs, we probably couldn't come up
with anything worse than "solitary confinement" on a chain or
in a kennel.
Dogs are pack animals who
crave the companionship of others. Scratches behind the ears,
games of fetch, or even just walks around the block mean the
world to them. Curling up at your feet while you watch TV is
their idea of heaven.
Many dogs left to fend for
themselves at the end of a chain fall prey to attacks by other
animals or cruel people, and many others are injured or hanged
or choke as a result of getting entangled or caught in their
tether.
If you have a backyard dog,
please, bring him or her inside. They don't want much--just
you.
A
public service announcement from Lincoln Daily News and
helpinganimals.com |
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